Day 11

I celebrated my one week abstinence from eating out and chocolates, by eating out. It wasn't a celebratory, "pat on the back" decision to dive back into the world of gourmet pizzas and sub sandwiches but more of a resigned one. I had to give in because we were traveling for the weekend and eating out seemed liked the only viable option of getting my meals.
But this time it was different. This time the trip to a restaurant didn't involve a careful study of the menu, mentally savoring each ingredient that went into the dish, sensing the taste and finally making up my mind if I'd like it. It didn't involve looking picture of the Mediterranean pizza and drooling over it until food actually arrived at the table. This time there was no desire to sample the most tempting yet most unhealthy items on the menu. This time the need was basic. It was only to fulfill my hunger.
We were on a 3 day hiking trip and the only decent meal we got in each day was the dinner. I tried my best to not go to town with the pizza, but the Pizza Place being the only restaurant open I didn't have much of a choice. But what made me proud of myself was that I didn't order dessert. I didn't succumb to the temptations of the hot fudge sunday or the ginger bread with pumpkin ice cream topped with oodles of whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
I had my pizza, drank my juice and the joy of actually looking at the menu and giving it back to the waitress saying "thanks, but that will be all" was my dessert.
For a moment I wondered if wasn't having the pizza being indulgent. But later I soothed myself with the knowledge it could be worse. I could have had the ginger bread. I must be happy with myself as now I slowly realize where to draw the line.

Day 5

This weekend as I sat down to prepare my weekly grocery list, I realized that this time I needed to make a list of what I need versus what I want. As I reviewed the list on my way, I couldn't help but feel as though something important had been omitted.
The grocery store has always fascinated me. As I child I always accompanied my mom to the store as she stocked up for the month, and as a reward for "helping" her shop I got a candy bar, and If I was a really good girl I got two. The practice almost never changed. Even when I old enough, we walked through various aisles of the store looking at different brands of tomato puree while she contemplated between the one with an attractive label and the one with a picture that reminded her of her mom, only to ultimately settle on the brand that was on sale. The 2 hour trip always ended with a bar of chocolate, her way of thanking me for the company.
This time, the trip wouldn't require me hovering at the chocolates/baking needs isle. I had to steer clear from confectionery and the free samples of the walnut brownies. I had to walk to vegetables section and get my broccoli and squash and get out! The seemingly mundane task of grocery shopping seemed unfathomable and I couldn't do it. I couldn't walk past the isle as the chocolates cried out, Pick Me. Buy Me. Eat Me. I realized I wasn't ready. I wasn't strong enough for it. I decided to let the enemy win this round. I beseeched my to do the task for me and stick to the list and he complied.
As I look back, I wonder if failure includes not to fight at all or is it a sensible war tactic to back off when you are unsure of your strength. Whatever maybe I am glad I didn't succumb to the charms of candy and so am guilty free.

Day 2

They say the first day after you've decided to quit smoking is most difficult to follow through. And through experience I've learnt its the same for sensible eating. Yesterday, we received a Free coupon for a Jumbo 3 scoop sundae from a local ice cream place. After a few minutes of not even considering it, I was tempted to look at coupon again, ignore it, read again yearningly and finally come up with a definitive plan of how if I were to have it, I could shed all the calories gained in the process, by walking 3 miles each way to and from the parlor.
As I contemplated my plan, it hit me that I was willing to do all that walking at 50 F cool evening for one ice cream. Was my will power so weak that I couldn't survive one day? One Lousy day? Is food so much of an addiction? Did it precede my sense of resolve? These questions made me almost tear off the coupon, but then I didn't. I wanted it around, so that I could be proud and cherish my victory albeit inconsequential over temptation.
I decided to have an early home cooked dinner and an apple for dessert instead. I had a good nights sleep and felt lighter when I woke up knowing that I had won the first day of battle and am more determined today.

Day 1

Why do we women obsess about our weight? For almost every woman on Planet Earth, there are only two physical shapes. 1) I am fat. 2) She is anorexic. I cannot ever recall my dad, uncles or more recently my husband looking at themselves in the mirror and say "Boy! I look FAT!" or skip breakfast only to succumb to the temptations of the Tiramisu for dinner.
They dont seem to look at mannequins at Macys and sigh that the pretty skirt of size 6 wouldn't fit them or squeeze into heels from Nine West that were meant for dainty feet. I tried to blame the feeling of hopelessness on the fashion industry, the theory being, if there weren't variety in the clothes available, we wouldn't want to mold ourselves to get into them and be happy with the way we are..!
Since I cannot change the way I perceive my body or the mannequin at Macys, Its high time I do something about it. I decided to go Healthy. Stave off the temptation, not give in to the Diet Madness or groom myself for a fitness regime I know I cannot stick to.
Eat when I please, but eat right. It is a physical experiment to see if I can lose weight over the next 90 days by only eating well.
I write this blog for 3 reasons. 1) It will be an honest account of what I do and a daily reminder that I cannot cheat. 2) A reason to go on, knowing that some day someone/anyone might read it and say "hey, maybe plain apples ARE a saner substitute to apple pies" 3) To learn to write a 3 paragraph essay with no syntax or spelling errors whatsoever!

Wish me Luck!